Varekei
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Post by Varekei on Feb 27, 2008 15:14:07 GMT -5
In a long, long time in the future in a galaxy not so far away:
Master RamZ and Master Cosmo have had a falling out and Master RamZ has brought a civil suit in the Coruscant Courts. Master Kit is the presiding judge.
Master RamZ has called Master Yoda's older sister as his chief witness. "Reverend lady," RamZ addresses the oldest living Force Master. "Do you know me?"
"Of course I do," the elderly Jedi replied. "And let me tell you, young RamZ, you've been a big disappointment to me! You lie; you cheat on your wife; you bad mouth people behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to a two bit Jedi field operative. Humph! Know you I do."
Poor Master RamZ was stunned! Not knowing what to do he pointed to Master Cosmo and asked, "Lady Master, do you know the defendant?"
The elderly woman's eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms in front of her. "You bet I do! I've known Master Cosmo since he was a youngster! He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't stay in a normal relationship, he's one of the worst field operatives of all the Sith in the whole galaxy. Not only that, but he's cheated on his wife with three women this month alone, including your wife, Master RamZ. Don't try and look away Master Cosmo. I know you, too!"
Just as Master RamZ and Master Cosmo were both wishing they could sink through the floor all the way down to the garbage level of the city, Master Kitt banged the hilt of his light saber on his desk and signaled for both of them to approach him immediately. In a quiet, but stern voice he said to them, "If either one of you morons asks her if she knows me, I will annihilate you!"
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Varekei
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}}Force Power{-2}
Posts: 452
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Post by Varekei on Apr 30, 2008 10:23:46 GMT -5
It's a little out of date, but here's something I wrote a couple of years ago that still might give some of you a laugh:
Anakin, Obi-Wan and Padme's Summer Weekend Get-away
PADME: Ani, honey why did you come to Mustafa? Obi-wan says it's because you've turned to the dark side!
ANI: Naw, it was for the scenery, sweetheart. Ain't it grand?
PADME: But, Ani dear, it's all hot and deserty.
ANI: From Tatooine here, doll, remember?
PADME: OK, but why have your eyes turned yellow?
ANI: New contacts, angel, like 'em?
OBI: Say, Anakin, why are you're eyes yellow?
ANI: New, contacts, ObiWan! Weren't you listening?
OBI: Contacts indeed, Anakin! You've turned to the dark side, haven't you?!!
PADME: Boo hoo!
ANI: Well, what if I have? Palpatine offered a better deal than Yoda was offering.
OBI: What do you mean Ani?
PADME: What do you mean Ani?
ANI: The emperor gave me the clues to the whole season of Lost,not just the next episode.
PADME: Hmnn.
OBI: Hmnn.
ANI: Are you to plotting against me AGAIN?!
OBI: Uh, no.
PADME: Huh? Oh, no, sweetie.
ANI: Well, what was that "hmnn" then?
OBI: We were just thinking...
PADME: Well, wondering, actually...
ANI: WHAT?! WHAT?!
PADME & OBI: How we'll look in black.
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Varekei
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Posts: 452
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Post by Varekei on Jun 20, 2008 14:51:24 GMT -5
Here's another one. It's long, but it had me laughing:
Deleted Scenes from Attack of the Clones
by Jedi Mike
----------
(After a failed assassination attempt on Senator Padme Amidala, Jedi knight
Obi-Wan Kenobi and his padawan Anakin Skywalker are assigned to protect
her. The Jedi enter Padme's apartment. Padme looks upon Obi-Wan and
remembers the time spent with him 10 years ago.)
Padme: Ah crap, not you again.
Obi-Wan: Good to see you too milady.
(Padme catches a glimpse of Anakin standing behind Obi-Wan. She then
pushes Obi-Wan aside for a better view.)
Padme: Annie? Is that you? My, have you grown.
Anakin: My master marks my growth every birthday on the Jedi Temple walls.
(Anakin holds his hands out and few feet away from each other.)
Anakin: I've grown this much since I saw you last.
Padme (feeling Anakin's bicep): How wonderful.
(Obi-Wan gets off of the floor.)
Obi-Wan: Our presence here will be invisible milady.
Padme: Huh? Yes, well, there is no need for you to wander away from me too
far. You and especially Anakin should remain very close to me at all times
possible. Extremely close. OK Anakin? Anakin?
Anakin (by the window): Wow, what a view! I can see the Jedi Temple from
here.
Padme: Anakin, I'm over her. Look at me. Did you notice how I blossomed
into womanhood since you last saw me?
Anakin: And there's a couple of snipers on that rooftop looking back at me.
Wizard.
Obi-Wan: Just go about your normal business milady. We'll project you.
Padme: Very well then. I'll go now and rub my naked body in the hot,
steamy shower. Please do watch over me Anakin. Anakin?
Anakin: I wonder how long it would take for my spit to hit the ground?
(Anakin rushes out to the balcony to conduct his experiment. Later that
night...)
Obi-Wan: Captain Typho has more than enough guards outside. No assassin
would dare come that way. Where's Padme?
Anakin: She went to bed. Don't worry, R2-D2 is with her. And we can still
keep an eye on her with this closed circuit camera and TV.
(Anakin looks at the TV monitor and sees Padme lying suggestively on the
bed, smiling coyly at the camera.)
Anakin: She looks fine. I'll turn off the camera to give her some privacy.
(Anakin presses a button on a remote to turn off the camera. Padme notices
the power light on the camera going off.)
Padme: d**n. Time for Plan B.
(Padme goes to her closet and pulls out a small, flying droid. She then
puts two small, happy, furry creatures in the droid. She opens the outside
window and, with a remote control, flies the droid outside. Padme gets
back in bed and sets the flying droid in action. The droid cuts a hole in
the window and releases the two small, happy, furry creatures in the room.
The two small, happy, furry creatures run around the room like a couple of
idiots. R2-D2 shakes its head in disbelief and lets out a disapproving
sound.)
Padme (softly): Quiet R2. This is too one of my better ideas. Anakin's
going to get in my bed one way or another.
(Meanwhile, Anakin and Obi-Wan continue to stand guard outside of Padme's
bedroom and discuss a never ending debate.)
Anakin: You're over simplifying things again. The chancellor doesn't seem corrupt.
Obi-Wan: Palpatine is a politician and not to be trusted.
Anakin: All the government workers love him. Even the Jedi. He supports
us in any way possible. Remember his first act he declared when became
Chancellor?
Obi-Wan: Yes. Changing the travel claim process. It did simplify the
system significantly. But remember what I told you when you first got
here. The dark side uses the honor travel system. The people may love the
Chancellor now, but they refuse to accept that trouble is coming as a
result of that and every other change. Every bill that Palpatine signs
into law puts him that much closer into being a galactic ruler. Instead of
a republic, our system is turning into a dictatorship.
Anakin: Master, for years you've given everyone a headache with that kind
of talk. No one else but you believes that theory. It's just plain silly.
You can't prove any of it.
Obi-Wan: By the time the proof comes, it'll be too late. What I'm saying
is Palpatine is very slowly, but surly, changing the...
Padme (loudly and overly dramatic from her bedroom): Oh help me, help me!
Save me Anakin! Come to me!
(The two Jedi rush into the bedroom. By this time, the two small, happy,
furry creatures have found their way onto Padme's bed. Anakin jumps onto
Padme's bed.)
Padme: Yes!
(In one quick, smooth motion, Anakin draws his lightsaber and slashes the
two small, happy, furry creatures in half, missing Padme's head by a
fraction of an inch. Padme screams in terror, which causes a reflex arm
motion that throws the remote and smashing it onto the floor, which sends
the droid into a highly erratic motion. Obi-Wan sees the droid outside
through window. Making a powerful leap, Obi-Wan crashes through the window
and grabs onto the droid. The droid, with Obi-Wan hanging on for dear
life, sails away.)
Anakin: Stay here Padme.
(Anakin races out the door to save his master. Padme's security and her
handmaiden Dorme rush into the room.)
Padme: Wait, Anakin, don't go. I need comfort. Hold me!
Dorme: I'll comfort you Milady.
(Dorme gets on the bed and holds Padme.)
Padme: It's not the same.
(The next day at the Jedi Temple, Obi-Wan and Anakin report the incident to
the Jedi Council.)
Obi-Wan: The droid then flew wildly, trying to shake me off. Finally, I
was able to short circuit the control system and land safely on my head.)
Yoda: Too much danger, Senator Amidala is in. Leave Courscant immediately, she must.
Mace: Anakin, escort the Senator back to Naboo. Use public transport.
Travel as refugees. Obi-Wan, study the droid. Hopefully that will lead
back to the assassin.
Obi-Wan and Anakin: Yes Masters.
(Obi-Wan, Anakin, Padme and her handmaiden Dorme are at the station waiting
for the transport to leave. Padme and Dorme talk to each other while
stealing glances at the hunky Jedi stud-muffins.)
Dorme: Yummy.
Padme: Padme going to get some of that.
(Obi-Wan and Anakin approach Padme.)
Obi-Wan: I'll get to the bottom of this plot quickly, milady. You'll be
back here in no time.
Padme: I'll be alright as long as I'm close to my Jedi protector.
(Padme reaches out for Anakin with her hand, but it only touches empty air.
She looks around for Anakin and sees him racing towards the transport.)
Anakin: I call shotgun!
Padme (to Dorme): This may be a bit harder that I first thought.
(Later, Obi-Wan arrives at Dex's Diner. He talks briefly with a droid
waitress, who then goes to tell the Owner about the Jedi's arrival.)
Waitress: Someone to see you honey.
(Dex looks up from behind the kitchen and sees a person from his past.)
Dex: Ah crap. Not him again.
(Dex approaches Obi-Wan and puts on a big, fake smile.)
Dex: Obi-Wan, old buddy, how are you? What can I do for ya?
Obi-Wan: You can tell me what this is?
(Obi-Wan shows Dex the assassin droid from the previous night along with
the carcasses of the two small, happy, furry creatures. The diner patrons
see the carcasses and get violently ill. They quickly exit the building.
Dex watches helplessly as his paying customers rush out the door.)
Dex: It appears to be the fastest way to put me out of business.
Obi-Wan: Other than that?
Dex: It's some bloodied, cut-up creatures and a droid. What do you want me
to say?
Obi-Wan: Yes, but where did it come from?
(Dex picks up the droid and reads the bottom label.)
Dex: 'Property of Padme Amidala'. But that's too obvious and simple for
you Obi-Wan. Isn't it? What else do you have?
Obi-Wan: Well, I also ran a DNA analysis of the fingerprints residue. And
that also came up with Senator Amidala. Only her prints. So it appears
that Amidala's own droid was trying to kill her. But that can't be right.
Do you know what I think?
Dex: Does it involve that Palpatine-taking-over-the-galaxy theory of yours?
Obi-Wan: Yep. I think that...
Dex: What a second. Let me brace myself. OK, go ahead.
Obi-Wan: I think that Chancellor Palpatine made a clone of Senator Amidala,
and then using that clone, planted false evidence on that assassin droid
and made a scenario where it appears that Amidala is trying to kill
herself. Thus proving that Amidala is temporally insane. Then when
Amidala is away getting better, the clone is then substituted for the real
Amidala, appearing to be all recovered. And then Palpatine has the clone
Amidala reverse her decision about the creation of the Republic army. Thus
a massive army will be made, unlike any that has been seen, and will
conquer the galaxy under Palpatine's name. So, what do you think?
(Dex appears to be all right at first. Then all his muscles tense up at
once. He starts shaking violently. After a moment, Dex regains control
over his body. He takes a few deep breaths.)
Dex: So let me get this straight, two dead creatures and a senator's droid
are the key evidence that supports your never-ending and never-dying theory
of Palpatine's galactic domination.
Obi-Wan: Not quite the key evidence. For that, I need the connection
between Palpatine and the cloned Amidala. So I was wondering if you knew
where Palpatine would go to make the clone.
Dex: Try Kamino. They're good cloners. And it's very far away. So you
better leave now.
Obi-Wan: Thanks Dex, I don't know how I can repay you for this.
(As Obi-Wan leaves, a stranger enters the diner.)
Stranger: Hi, I'm the health inspector and I'm here to conduct a WHAT THE HELL?!
(The health inspector looks around and sees the diner empty of patrons and
full of the chaos that resulted when the patron quickly exited. His eyes
then focus on Dex, who is now curled up in a fetal position on the floor
sucking his thumb. Dex begins crying. It's all he is capable of doing at
this moment. Later in the Jedi Temple, the head librarian, Josota Nu,
works at her desk. A small light on her deck starts blinking, which means
someone has requested her assistance. She looks up to see who has summoned
her.)
Jososta: Ah crap, not him again.
(She approaches Obi-Wan with a fake smile.)
Jososta: How may I help you Master Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: I'm looking for a planet called Kamino, but it's not appearing on
any of the maps.
(Jososta does a search using the map computer.)
Jocosta: I'm sorry Obi-Wan, but there is no such planet in our archives.
Obi-Wan: Is it possible that the files for that planet have been erased in
an elaborate scheme for Chancellor Palpatine to rule the galaxy?
Jocosta: Get out.
(Obi-Wan enters a room where Master Yoda is training a group of young Jedi.)
Yoda: Ah crap, not you again.
Obi-Wan: I'm sorry to disturb you Master. But I'm having my usual
problems. I'm looking for a planet called Kamino, which doesn't show in
our archives.
Yoda (to his students): Lost a planet, only Obi-Wan could. A thought? Anyone?
Student: Master, because Chancellor Palpatine sent someone to erased the
files from the archives in his elaborate scheme to take over the galaxy.
(Obi-Wan smiles. Yoda shakes his head.)
Student: I believe you Master Obi-Wan.
Yoda: Corrupted the padawan's mind, you have Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: But you must admit that only a Jedi could have erased those files.
One of our own must have fallen to the dark side and is now helping
Palpatine. But who?
(Obi-Wan looks around the room suspiciously at all the young students.)
Yoda: Leave you must, Obi-Wan. And find your missing planet.
Obi-Wan: But Master, where should I start looking?
Yoda: Matters not. Just out of my sight, you need to be.
(Hearing the strange advice, the children look at Yoda with puzzled faces.
Yoda makes a quick recovery.)
Yoda: Um, Use the force Obi-Wan, to find your wayward planet.
Obi-Wan: Right Master. And thank you for your help.
(The young Jedi students, yet again, marvel at Yoda's wisdom. Meanwhile on
an old Republic cruiser transport headed for Naboo, Anakin and Padme begin
eating their dinner.)
Padme: So, it must be difficult being a Jedi. Or not being near the people
you love.
(Padme begins to rub her foot against Anakin's leg.)
Anakin: It's not as bad as one might think. Sure the hours are long at
times. But, the job is rewarding and oops... Our feet are bumping. Let me
adjust my chair to give you more leg room. Better?
Padme (dryly): Much.
(Anakin then pours a large amount of hot sauce on his dinner.)
Anakin: Sauce makes food pretty
(He takes a bite.)
Anakin: Ow! Hot! Hot! Tongue hurts!
(Padme shakes her head in disbelief. Meanwhile after much trials and
errors of using the Force, Obi-Wan arrives at the lost planet of Kamino.
He speaks with a native called Taun-We.)
Obi-Wan: Did your people make of clone of Senator Padme Amidala for
Chancellor Palpatine in part of an elaborate scheme for him to be ruler of
the galaxy?
Taun-We: I'm afraid you are mistaken. We are only making clones of a
single person, a bounty hunter called Jango Fett.
Obi-Wan: Curious. I would much like to meet this Jango Fett.
(Taun-We takes Obi-Wan to the apartment of Jango Fett and his son Boba. At
first meeting Jango, Obi-Wan immediately becomes suspicious of him. He
attempts to catch Jango off-guard with an irrelevant question.)
Obi-Wan: Your pants are very impressive. You must be very proud of them.
Jango: I double stitched them myself. They'll do the job well. I
guarantee that.
(Failing that strategy, Obi-Wan tries a more direct approach.)
Obi-Wan: Are you involved with Chancellor Palpatine's plot to rule the galaxy?
Jango: Of course.
Obi-Wan: Thank you for your time.
Jango: Always a pleasure to meet a Jedi.
(Obi-Wan and Taun-We leave. Boba is puzzled by the conversation.)
Boba: Dad, why did you tell him about our association with the Sith?
Jango: I didn't. I only said that...
(Jango then realizes his error.)
Jango: Pack your things. We're leaving.
(Anakin and Padme arrive on Naboo and are greeted by members of the Naboo
security force.)
Naboo officer: Welcome back to Naboo Senator Amidala. The queen wishes to
express her concern about your situation and has arranged for you to stay
in the safety of her county retreat.
Padme: Very good Lieutenant. Sounds perfect.
Naboo officer: If you'll follow me, I'll take you there immediately in my
cruiser.
Anakin: Shotgun!
(Back on Kamino, Obi-Wan reports to Mace Windu and Yoda about his progress
from his ship.)
Obi-Wan: I have successfully found the missing planet called Kamino.
Mace: It does exist?
Obi-Wan: Yes, Master. Someone definitely must have erased all records of
it from our archives.
(Mace gives Yoda a slight smile. Yoda then hands 10 credits over to Mace,
due to the wager he just lost.)
Mace: So, what is happening at Kamino? Have you found anything related to
your Palpatine-taking-over-the-galaxy theory?
(Mace and Yoda begin to snicker to themselves.)
Obi-Wan: Yes, Masters. I have met up with a bounty hunter called Jango
Fett. He claims that the people of Kamino are making a clone army of
himself for Chancellor Palpatine.
Yoda: Really?
(Yoda smiles at Mace, who then returns the 10 credits to Yoda.)
Mace: Where is this Jango Fett now? Do you have him in custody?
Obi-Wan: Not yet. But don't worry. He's still here on Kamino. As a
matter of fact, that's his ship over there. The one where...
(Obi-Wan watches as he sees Jango and Boba entering their ship. The ship
then takes-off and leaves Obi-Wan's sight in the distant stars.)
Obi-Wan: Oh crap. Umm... wisssssshhhh, what was that you said, Masters?
Beep, beep, can't hear you, baaaaaaa, breaking up, doot, doot, have to go.
(Mace and Yoda stare dumbfoundedly as Obi-Wan cuts the communication link.)
Mace: Double or nothing says he can't find Jango again.
Yoda: Deal.
(Night begins to fall on Naboo. In preparation for dinner, Padme puts on a
sexy, tight, revealing, black leather dress that she recently purchased
from Fredrick's of Coruscant.)
Padme: If this doesn't get his attention...
(She enters the dinner room. Anakin has already begun eating his meal.)
Padme: How's the food Anakin?
Anakin: Pretty good. It reminds me on my mother's cooking.
(Anakin's face immediately changes to sadness.)
Padme: Anakin, what's wrong?
Anakin: It's my mother. I can't stop thinking of her.
Padme: Ah, the mother issue. You miss her. Don't you.
Anakin: I've been missing her for the past ten years ever since I left
Tatooine. But for the last month, something else has happen. And I don't
know what. I can't stop thinking about her. I'm losing sleep. It's
driving me crazy.
(Padme approaches Anakin and begins to gently stroke his hair.)
Padme: Anakin, would you like to go to Tatooine and check up on your
mother? Maybe if you see that she's fine, it would clear up your mind.
(She draws Anakin's head into her breasts.)
Padme: And then we can go onto other much needed and desired things.
Anakin: Do you really think that could help?
Padme: At this point, I'll try anything.
Anakin: Great, thanks Padme. You're a real pal.
Padme: Yes. We'll work on that as well.
(With a emotions lifted, Anakin raises his head from Padme's chest and
continues to eat his dinner. He starts to bite into a piece of meat
covered with an excess amount of hot sauce.)
Anakin: Pretty.
Padme: No Anakin. Wait.
Anakin: OW! Hot, hot! Tongue hurts.
(Padme shakes her head is disbelief, again. On Kamino, Obi-Wan meets up
with Taun-We.)
Obi-Wan: Jango just left and I need to know where he's going.
Taun-We: Certainly. I will be more than happy to help.
(Obi-Wan follows Taun-We as she leads him to the communication center.
There, she contacts Jango who's still aboard his ship Slave I.)
Taun-We: Jango, Master Obi-Wan wishes to know your location.
Jango: I'm on my way to planet Geonosis.
Taun-We: Thank you.
(Taun-We signs off the communication link to Slave I and Obi-Wan races to
his star fighter to begin the pursuit. Onboard Slave I;)
Boba: Dad, why did you tell her where we're going?
Jango: I didn't. I only said that...
(Jango realizes his error.)
Jango: Ah crap. Not again.
(Anakin and Padme fly to Tatooine. Once there, they track Anakin's mother,
Shmi, to a remote moisture farm near Mos Eisly. The two approach the farm,
where they are greeted by a young man and woman. The woman, Beru, begins
to speak but is rudely interrupted by the young man, Owen.)
Owen: I'm Owen Lars. And this is my girlfriend Beru. How can I help you?
Anakin: I'm Anakin Skywalker and I'm looking for my mother Shmi.
(Beru begins to speak but is rudely interrupted.)
Owen: Anakin, your mother isn't here now. We better talk about this inside
with my father.
(The four make their way inside the Lars' homestead where they find Owen's
father, Cligg. All five sit around a table while Cliegg tells Anakin what
occurred during the past month.)
Cliegg: I've been married to your mother for five years now Anakin. And
for all that time, she's been here doing the cooking and cleaning, cleaning
and cooking. Day in and day out. Over and over and over again. Always
repeating and never ending. Till one day about a month ago, she went out
to collect some mushrooms for her cooking. She never returned. A group of
us went out looking for her. But all we could find were some Tuskin Raider
tracks. I'm afraid they kidnapped her. We don't know where they went.
(Anakin gets up and walks out. Beru begins to speak but is rudely interrupted.)
Owen: Where are you going?
Anakin: To find my mother.
(Anakin borrows Owen's speeder bike and begins his search. With the Force
as his guide, Anakin arrives at the Tuskin Raider camp. He makes his way
towards a single tent where inside, Shmi Skywalker is telling a group of
Tuskins a tale of an epic space adventure.)
Shmi: Then at the last moment, the Enterprise broke free of the Mutara
Nebula just as the Genesis bomb exploded and converted the space dust into
a new planet.
Tuskin Group: Hooray!!
Tuskin #1: What about Spock?
Shmi: Well, Captain Kirk raced back to the engine room, but it was too
late. Mr. Spock absorbed too much radiation. Spock did save the ship and
the crew, but at a cost of his own life. Kirk made it back to the engine
room to see the life fade away from his long time friend. And with his
final breath, Spock said to Kirk, "I have been and always shall be your
friend."
(The Tuskin group sits in stunned silence about the story's sad ending.)
Shmi: Well then, it's off to bed with you all now.
Tuskin Group: Aw, Shmi...
Tuskin #2: Tell us another story.
Tuskin #3: We'll be good.
Shmi: Not now. You all need a good nights sleep, cause tomorrow is the big
day when...
(Shmi's face turns to pain and horror. She collapses on the floor. The
Tuskins then see a lightsaber blade sticking out from behind the Bantha
skin wall where Shmi stood. The blade cuts a circle in the wall. Through
the newly formed opening enters Anakin. He looks down on his very recently
deceased mother.)
Anakin: Mom? Mom!
(Anakin leans down to his mother, smelling her freshly lightsaber-seared
flesh. He looks up to the Tuskin group.)
Tuskin #4: The stranger has killed our beloved storyteller.
Tuskin #5: What are we to do now for evening entertainment?
Anankin: You killed my mother. No!
(Anakin unleashes his rage and anger upon the whole Tuskin tribe,
slaughtering them all. Meanwhile across the galaxy, Yoda and Mace Windu
sense a serious, dark disturbance in the Force.)
Mace: What is it?
Yoda: Pain, suffering, stupidity. Young Skywalker needs help, serious help.
(Jango lands Slave I on Geonosis. There, he rendezvous with his boss, a
dark Jedi named Count Dooku.)
Dooku: Jango, we're having some problems.
Jango: What's wrong?
Dooku: Our sensors just picked up a ship exiting hyperspace from where you
came. We've identified it as a Jedi starfighter.
Jango: Jedi?
Dooku: Yes. Have you encountered one recently?
Jango: Umm... no?
Dooku: Well, he apparently followed you here. Do you know how that happened?
Jango (lying): Well, he could have placed a homing beacon on my hull.
Yeah, that's it.
Dooku: Well, no matter. I'll handle this Jedi myself. How is the clone
army coming along?
Jango: Perfect. In a very short time, you'll have a million warriors
exactly like the greatest bounty hunter in history.
Dooku: Excellent. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to take care of our
visiting Jedi friend.
(Dooku leaves. Jango looks around, puzzled about where to go.)
Boba: Dad, that way.
Jango: Oh, thanks.
(Anakin brings back his deceased mother to the Lars homestead. There, the
small family holds a modest, but touching funeral for Shmi. Beru is about
to sing her award-winning requiem when R2-D2 rolls nearby and rudely
interrupts her.)
R2-D2: Beep.
Anakin: R2 says that Obi-Wan has sent an urgent message for us and the Jedi
Council. He's been captured by a dark Jedi named Count Dooku and is being
held prisoner on the planet Geonosis. And that the Geonosisans are
creating a huge droid army to take over the Republic.
Owen: You got all that from one small beeping sound?
Anakin: Yep.
Padme: It's amazing how he picks that up and misses other clues.
Anakin: We've got to leave now Padme. Shotgun!
(Anakin, Padme, and R2-D2 fly away to Geonosis.)
Cliegg: We'll I guess it's just us three now. Beru, you'll have to do all
the cooking and cleaning, cleaning and cooking. Day in and day out. Over
and over and over again. Always repeating and never ending.
(Owen and Cliegg go inside leaving Beru alone. She looks out into the
distance Tatooine dunes, hoping to see another Tuskin tribe, or anyone
willing to take her away from her soon to be permanent, monotonous
lifestyle. A tear slowing falls away from her eye, which lands on the dry
desert sand and waters her seed of a doomed future. Later, Anakin and
Padme arrive on Geonosis.)
Padme: How are we going to free Obi-Wan?
Anakin: Don't worry. I have a plan.
(Anakin and Padme land on the main platform and walk to the front door.
Anakin rings the doorbell and a Geonosisan warrior answers.)
Anakin: Hi. Is Obi-Wan here?
(Anakin and Padme are quickly surrounded by 20 guards.)
Padme: You are so lucky you have a hot body.
(Count Dooku enters the cell where Obi-Wan is being held.)
Dooku: Ah crap, not you again.
Obi-Wan: Traitor.
Dooku: Oh no, my friend. This is a mistake. A terrible misunderstanding.
I will have you freed immediately. And I assure you that I am no traitor.
Obi-Wan: You left the Jedi Order. You betrayed us.
Dooku: Left, yes. Betrayed, no. You see Obi-Wan, I left the Jedi Order
cause ten years ago, I found evidence of a Sith Lord controlling the
Senate.
Obi-Wan (excitedly): It's Palpatine. Isn't it?
Dooku (stunned): How did you know?
Obi-Wan: I knew it. I was right all along. I've been telling those people
for years that the Sith were rising to power in the senate. I just found
out a few years ago that is was Palpatine. But no one would believe me.
Dooku: Really?
Obi-Wan: Oh yeah. This is great. Hey Dooku, need a partner? I'll join
you. And together, we can destroy the Sith.
Dooku: Um.. yes. Of course. I'll get back to you on that.
(Dooku leaves Obi-Wan's cell where he joins Nute Gunray.)
Nute Gunray: Well, it sounded like that Jedi will join us.
Dooku: No, this will not do at all.
Nute: But that Jedi believes you. He said he would go back and tell the
other Jedi and the Republic. Isn't that part of the plan?
Dooku: True. But for the plan to work, the Republic needs to believe him.
This Jedi has lost all credibility. He won't do at all. I must think of
another way. Just kill him.
Nute: And what of the other two prisoners we just captured? Can I kill
them as well?
(Dooku glares at Nute, who returns his penetrating stare with puppy dog eyes.)
Dooku: Oh, all right. Go ahead.
(Nute Gunray goes off skipping as he prepares the executions. In a short
while, Anakin and Padme are brought onto a small transport and led into the
huge area of death.)
Anakin: Padme, would you trade places with me?
Padme: Why?
Anakin: Cause you're standing in the 'shotgun' area. That's my favorite
place to be in.
Padme: Well Anakin, if you see something you really like, you should go
after it.
Anakin: OK.
(Anakin steps to Padme, who doesn't move away.)
Anakin: Um, Padme, now were both in the shotgun area.
Padme: And?
Anakin: Well, we're standing right next to and touching each other.
There's not a lot of room for two people here in one spot.
Padme: I don't mind Anakin. Do you?
Anakin: I guess not. I'm just not used to it. I mean, if I knew you'd
like riding shotgun as much as I did, I would have let you shared with me
earlier.
Padme: Anakin, there's a lot more I would like to share with you. Much
more than riding shotgun.
Anakin: Really what?
(Padme whispers into Anakin's ear.)
Anakin: Really?
Padme: Yes, Anakin.
Anakin: Wow, I mean. I can't believe you actually feel that way towards
me. I just wish you had given me a sign or some kind of a clue.
(Before Padme has a chance to strangle Anakin, Geonosian guards separate
them and chain them to poles in the center of the execution arena, where
Obi-Wan is already waiting chained to another pole.)
Anakin: Padme and I are here to rescue you.
Obi-Wan (dryly): Hooray, I'm saved by the Cavalry.
(Three large creatures are released within the arena with the purpose of
eating our heroes. Using their Jedi powers, Obi-Wan and Anakin (with
Padme's own highly trained combat skills) naturally escape the creatures,
but are soon surrounded by destroyer droids.)
Padme: We're doomed.
Anakin: No, look. Hundreds of Jedi have arrived at the last moment.
Obi-Wan (dryly): Hooray, we're saved by the Cavalry. Again.
(Hundreds of Jedi fight again thousands of droids. The droids fire their
laser rifles at the Jedi. But using their lightsabers, the Jedi deflect
the laser bolts back at the droids. The droid army number is slowly
decreasing. But then, a single laser bolt flies between battle droid
number 27182 and the droid control ship at the exact time that a command
signal was being broadcast. The laser bolt interferes with the command
signal, and as a result, battle droid number 27182 is slightly reprogrammed
to a higher level of independent, artificial intelligence.)
Battle droid 27182: Wait, I have an idea.
Battle droid 98423: What is it?
Battle droid 27182: Instead of shooting at the lightsabers, why don't we
fire directly at the Jedi themselves?
(Battle droid number 27182 fires a laser bolt at a Jedi extra, missing the
lightsaber and hitting directly in the Jedi's chest. The un-named Jedi
falls to the ground dead.)
Battle droid 98423: All right!
Battle droid 27182: Droids rule!
(With their newfound strategy, the droids soon reduce the number of Jedi
warriors. Soon, only 20 Jedi, including Obi-Wan, Anakin, Padme, and Mace
Windu remain in the center of the arena, surrounded by a thousand droids.
Dooku orders the droid army to stop for the moment.)
Dooku: Jedi, you have fought bravely and should be honored. Now I ask you
to surrender and spare your lives.
Jedi (chanting): Hell no, we won't go. Hell no, we won't go. Hell no, we
won't go.
Dooku: I don't believe this. Master Windu, has it really come down to this
feeble protest? Is this how the Jedi are trained as of late?
Mace Windu: Budget cuts. Had to make changes in the curriculum.
Dooku: And people still wonder why I left.
(Dooku gives the signal for the droid army to finish off the Jedi. A
moment later...)
Padme: Look up in the sky. A fleet of transports coming down on us.
Mace Windu: It's Yoda and the clone army from Kamino. Quick, everyone to
those transports.
Anakin: Shotgun!
Dooku: Ah, the clone army has arrived. Time to see how good these warriors
of yours are Jango.
Boba: Um, dad. I think it's time to leave.
Jango: Why son?
Boba: Just trust me on this one. We need to get out of here now.
(Boba and Jango leave Dooku as he watches the clone army in action. The
army behaves as an uncoordinated group. Tripping and falling over each
other. Blaster bolts fire off in random directions. But through either
shear numbers or dumb luck, the clone army steadily drive off the droid
army.)
Dooku: Jango, might I have a word with you? Jango?
(Dooku runs off in search of Jango. Meanwhile, the clone army advances
throughout Geonosis anid slowly takes over the area. In one of the rescue
transports that hold Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padme...)
Obi-Wan: Look over there to the right. It's Dooku trying to get away.
Follow him driver.
Clone Driver: Yes sir.
(The clone drive takes a hard left in the opposite direction of Dooku.
Unprepared for the wrong turn, Padme is thrown out of the transport.)
Anakin: Padme! No! Put the ship down now!
Obi-Wan: We can't, we've got a job to do!
Anakin: I don't care! Put it down!
Obi-Wan: You will be expelled from the Jedi Order.
Anakin: I don't care. I need Padme. I love her.
Obi-Wan: You can't love her. The code forbids it.
Anakin: You broke it.
Obi-Wan: What?
Anakin: The code. You broke the code before. You fell in love.
Obi-Wan: We don't have time for this. We have to stop Dooku now.
Anakin: What about Satine?
Obi-Wan: Where did you hear that name?
Anakin: You told me. You said her name in your sleep. Who was she? You
loved her. Didn't you?
Obi-Wan: It was a different time and place. I'm a Jedi now. As are you.
We cannot fall in love.
Anakin: But you did love her once. Didn't you.
(Obi-Wan is stunned as a flood of emotions, which were dormant for years,
suddenly erupts within him.)
Obi-Wan: Anakin, please. Not now.
Anakin: You did Master. And that's the way I feel about Padme. My heart
is empty without her. And I need to save her now.
(Anakin leaps off the transport.)
Obi-Wan: No, Anakin, No!
(But instead of landing on the Geonosis sand dunes, Anakin's feet hit a
metallic platform.)
Anankin: What the...
(Anakin and Obi-Wan realize that the transport has landed at the hangar.
They look forward and see the clonetroopers that were in the transport, now
all outside the ship and firing their rifles at Count Dooku. The dark Jedi
uses his lightsaber to easily deflect the laser bolts back at the
clonetroopers.)
Clonetrooper (to Obi-Wan and Anakin): Um, guys, we've landed halfway
through your arguing. Do you what to help us here?
Obi-Wan: Uh, yeah, sure. We'll handle this.
(Obi-Wan and Anakin approach Count Dooku. When Obi-Wan spoke the phrase
"We'll handle this," dŽjˆ vu ran through his head. He remember when his
master, Qui-Gon Jinn last spoke those words. The time when a Jedi master
and an apprentice faced off against a Sith Lord, with the result of the
master's death. And now Obi-Wan was the master.)
Obi-Wan: Anakin, you go first.
Anakin: Right.
(Anakin charges at Dooku. Dooku counter-attacks Anakin with a bolt of Sith
lighting, which sends Anakin flying across the hangar, knocking him out.
Obi-Wan then slowly approaches Dooku and begins a lightsaber attack based
on Form III style. Dooku uses his classical Form II style, which obviously
defeats Obi-Wan. As Dooku lines up his death-blow, Anakin recovers from
the lighting attack, leaps at Dooku, and begins his own attack with an
aggressive Form IV style. Which is, obviously, still no match for Dooku.
As Obi-Wan and Anakin lay on the floor in pain and regretting much of their
lightsaber training, Yoda enters.)
Anakin: Hooray, we're saved by the Cavalry, yet again.
Obi-Wan: How many times have we been saved now? Four times? Five?
Anakin: I lost count. We must really suck as Jedi.
(Count Dooku uses every dark Force trick he knows to defeat the small Jedi
Master. But nothing works. Out of desperation, Dooku pulls out the
ultimate deceit.)
Dooku: It is obvious that this contest cannot be won by our knowledge of
the Force, but with our skills with a lightsaber.
(At hearing the lame words, Yoda falls asleep out of boredom. Dooku makes
his escape for Coruscant. Days later at the Jedi Temple:)
Obi-Wan: And who did Dooku say is controlling the Senate?
Jedi Council: The Sith.
Obi-Wan: And who said that first here.
Jedi Council: You did.
Obi-Wan: And who's been saying that for years.
Jedi Council: You were.
Obi-Wan: Who's right?
Jedi Council (mumbling): You are.
Obi-Wan: What was that? I didn't hear you.
Jedi Council (mumbling louder): You are.
Obi-Wan: That's right. Who's the man?
Jedi Council (mumbling): You are.
Obi-Wan: Say it again. Who's the man?
Jedi Council (mumbling louder): You are.
(Obi-Wan does a small victory dance, gloating his success. Mace tries to
change the subject.)
Mace: Where is your apprentice?
(In a hotel honeymoon suite on Naboo.)
Padme: Anakin, what's that you're dripping on my back? It's doesn't feel
like honey.
Anakin: Padme pretty. Ow! Hot! Hot! Tongue hurts!
(To be concluded within the next three years, maybe.)
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The Jarhead Jedi}}Force Power{3} 
